mf_anger1I wanted to take some time to express myself about something that has been a negative fixture in my life. People always ask me why am I so loud and full of life. I’m also asked do I have to make a joke about everything. To be honest, I feel there are too many people in life that find ways to be angry or dwell on the small things in life. If you knew my past then you wouldn’t ask these questions.

When I was younger I was given the name, “the golden child” by my older brother. I woke up with a smile and I went to sleep with one as well. Being the third of five children I was always trying to fit in with my brothers by being the one to make them laugh. Of course I failed miserably. My mom didn’t allow us to talk at the dinner table. “Eat your food and shut the hell up”, is what she was always saying. I mean it was five of us and when you have that many kids talking at the same time it gets loud. So if you didn’t listen she would tell you to get up from the table. My mom didn’t starve us as we were allowed to finish when everyone else was done. With my always being the target I never learned how to eat my food hot.

So to tell you how edger I was to make my brothers laugh I decided to take a piece of corn and stick it up my nose. Of course they didn’t find that funny until I was sitting there trying to dig it out of my nose because it was stuck. Even then I only got a giggle out of them. The best part was when I was able to blow the piece of corn out of my nose and my baby brother went down and ate it. They laughed so hard and my mom came in the kitchen to order everyone out EXCEPT ME. That was my most proud moment. Best believe I took all fucking night to finish my food so they had to wait until their food was cold as stone.

There are many moments where I was stuck with a smile on my face. I loved to smile and show all my teeth until my mom got a phone call that would forever change my life. My mom sat me down and expressed to me that I was to know how much my father loved me and to always stay strong because it’s what he would want. With the tone of her voice and me noticing how she was trying to keep from crying I knew I would never see my father again. I watched my mom cry her heart out that night. I walked outside of our apartment to look up at the night’s sky to question GOD.

I don’t know what type of answers I was looking for that night. What I felt brewing in my heart and soul was rage. I was mad. I was angry. I was hurt. My mom knew what was going on inside of her little boy but really didn’t have an answer. I was an all A and B student in school. My grades slipped tremendously. I started having more frequent visits to the principle’s office for fighting and cursing out teachers. At that moment I lost my father and I didn’t give a fuck. No amount of ass whooping was equally to the pain that was in my heart. So when my mom beat the shit out of me I would cry for her so she had the satisfaction of teaching me a lesson. If she only knew I probably would’ve got it worse. There’s no statue of limitations on an ass whooping, so I’m straight.

My anger changed my life in the worst way. I stopped caring about being something in life and wanted to just do what I wanted to do. I was rebellious. My father died from a car accident that was most likely his fault due to the way he drove. I took it hard like he was murdered and god was to blame. A seven year old isn’t suppose to witness his father in a casket that early in life. A normal seven year old is asking about the birds and the bees. Wait! That’s too early for that…but you know what the hell I mean. Hahaha.

Once I really started feeling myself at 15 I started hanging out in them streets. I remember getting jacked for a pager by some dudes on the other side. I couldn’t do shit because I was in they hood, so I just gave it up without a fight. That incident fueled me to never get caught slipping again so I made sure the homies had that heat on deck. Fuck that! Another reason to be angry and aggressive. Shit really hit an all time high when I went out with my boys from the neighbahood and we almost got smoked.

To be continued…